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Episode 45/Transcript
(Saison is laying in a hospital bed) Doctor: Alright, Saison, this is it, how are you feeling? Saison: This really, how you say, fucking hurts. Doctor: Well, we're almost there. Okay, here comes another contraction. On the count of three, I need a really good push, okay? One, two— Blaine: (pushes the Doctor, who lands with a crash) Alright Doc, what's next? Doctor: No, Blaine, I need Saison to push the baby out. I don't need you to push me. Blaine: Oh! That makes a lot more sense. Brittnay: Really. Why did I have to show up for this? No, why am I here? Shay: Don't worry Saison, we're here to help you. Brittnay: Can we hurry this up? I have a spa appointment at four. I'd really like to make it. Saison: Oh all of my, how do you say, friends have arrived! Mackenzie: You know Saison, you really couldn't have picked a better time to go into labor. You're aware the boys' football game starts in fifteen minutes, right? Saison: Oh, do not worry, Mackenzie, I am sure we'll make it in plenty of time. Doctor: I'm sorry, you don't seem to understand the concept of pregnancy, or time for that matter. Because there's no way you're going to be able to leave this building today. Saison: Oh, hehe. Doctor: And I don't know what you ladies are doing here, but I need everyone to step aside, because this baby is coming out now. Alright Saison, I'm going to need you to start pushing. Saison: Oh, okay. Eh. Eh. How do you say, eh. Doctor: Okay, Saison, I'm going to need you to push a little harder than that. Brittnay: I'm sorry, how long is this going to take? Saison: Ehh. Oui. Eh. Eh. Mackenzie: Great, at this rate, we're going to be here all fucking day. Brittnay: Alright, enough of this shit, I'm taking over. Come on, Saison, PUSH! PUSH! Push out that baby you stupid Canadian piece of shit! Saison: Eeehh. Brittnay: PUSH! PUSH!! Saison: Aaaaaahhhhhh!!! (popping sound) Oh! Le resistance! (baby crying) Shay: Oh my god! Blaine: Um, is this right? Doctor: Well, this is interesting. Mackenzie: (''Psycho strings play)'' Oh no, it's... it's—!! Everyone: A hipster baby! Baby: (wearing glasses and a beanie, they speak with Rachel Tice's voice) I was into Arcade Fire before it was popular! (Mackenzie wakes up) Mackenzie: (gasping) Fuck me, I gotta stop eating kimchi before bed. (At school) Saison: Bonjour Mackenzie! Mackenzie: Oh good Saison, you're still fat. Saison: Oh oui. Mackenzie: I had this terrible dream last night. You and I were there. And Brittnay and Blaine-- Shay: What about me? Mackenzie: Yes Shay, you were there too, Jesus Christ. Shay: How did I look? Mackenzie: You looked fine. Anyway, Saison— Shay: What was I wearing? Mackenzie: The same fucking thing you always fucking wear! Shay: Oh. So you dream about me huh? Mackenzie: Say one more thing Shay! Interrupt me one more fucking time! I will put your face through that goddamn locker! Shay: Jesus, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Mackenzie: Yeah you're goddamn right I woke up on the wrong side of the bed! I couldn't sleep after my fucking nightmare that Saison Margeurite gave birth to a motherfucking hipster baby! Saison: Oh Mackenzie no need to worry, I still have my how you say baby. I will not be giving birth (looks into the camera) for a very, very long time. Oui. Now if you will excuse me, I have to how do you say, throw up? (leaves) Shay: So, how was my hair? Mackenzie: What? Shay: In the dream. How did my hair look? Mackenzie: Alright, Shay, you want to do this? Jenna Darabond: Oh hey girls, cute new outfits. Jenna Dapananian: Yeah, really cute. They look great! Jenna Darabond: Jenna! We're being sarcastic. Jenna Dapananian: Oh. They're really cute outfits! A significant improvement over the previous uniforms! I really like the new logo as well as the way that they fit! Did you get them on Etsy? Shay: No, actually we paid hundreds of dollars for them and had them created by a fashion designer. Jenna Darabond: Oh girls, when will you ever learn that the cutting edge of fashion isn't on some runway or in a designer's studio, but rather local thrift store. And at a fraction of the cost. Mackenzie: Oh really? Well if it's so cheap, then how come you couldn't afford pants? Jenna Darabond: This is a look, okay? I don't expect you to get it, because you don't get anything ever. Jenna Dapananian: Yeah, except for herpes! Jenna Darabond: Yeah! Good one Jenna! Jenna Dapananian: Yeah! Mackenzie Zales: I'm sorry, I don't know who you think you're talking to, but we're not her sister. Shay: Yeah! Wait, what? What the fuck? Mackenzie Zales: What? I'm just saying she has herpes. Shay: Yeah, okay, we don't need to send out a newsletter. Jenna Darabond: Uh girls, do you want a minute alone because we have better things to do now that we basically run this school. Amberlynn: Oh hey Jenna, you were right, locally sourced coffee beans do taste better! Jenna Darabond: Okay, cool! Idiot. Mackenzie: You know what, Jenna? Enjoy being trendy while it lasts! Cause we've got a new cheer squad— Shay: A new look— Mackenzie: And I don't know if you heard, but the football team is gonna go to state this year! Shay: And do you know who enjoys state championships? Mackenzie: Everybody! Jenna Darabond: Oh that's interesting. You know, I heard that Jonathan Getslinhaumer might actually be quitting that team. Mackenzie: What? Okay. Even if that's true, doesn't matter. Shay: Yeah, Deandra's put ten different players in the hospital in the last two games alone. Mackenzie: This team is a juggernaut, Jenna. So like it or not, they're going to state. And when they win state, everyone's gonna want to hang out with them. And who will they be standing next to? The brand new, better than ever Overland Park Cheer Squad. Shay: Yeah, because when they win, everybody's going to think they're cool, so we'll be cool too! Mackenzie Zales: Shay that's literally what I just said. Shay: No, I know, I was just saying. Mackenzie: Okay, well, you're not really adding anything to the discussion. Shay: I'm sorry you didn't leave much room— Mackenzie: Okay, that's because I got this. Shay: Well, as the head cheerleader I feel like I should have the final word. Mackenzie: You know what Shay, you're really letting this head cheerleader thing go to your head. I'm clearly better at bitching people out, so just let me handle it, okay? Shay: I'm sorry Mackenzie, just because you're the loudest doesn't mean that you're the best at bitching someone out. Mackenzie: Oh you want to hear loud Shay?! Shay: Oh here we go, here we go! Jenna Dapananian: What are we gonna do Jenna? If the football team wins state, then the cheer squad gets popular again, and then everything we've done goes away. We can't let that happen. I've spent a lot of money on flannel. Jenna Darabond: Well then, I guess we'll just have to keep the football team from winning state, won't we? Jenna Dapananian: Yeeessss! Wait, um, wait, I'm sorry, how are we gonna do that? Jenna Darabond: Perhaps I was a bit too hasty in suggesting that Than quit the team. In fact, he may be of more use to us on the team than off of it. Jenna Dapananian: Oh, I know exactly what you mean! But hypothetically if I didn't, could you rephrase that, perhaps with more specifics? Jenna Darabond: Jenna, come with me. We're going to make sure that football team's chances at state are completely and thoroughly fucked. And Than's going to be the one to help us. Jenna Dapananian: Well, if we want to fuck the football team, Than's definitely the guy we want.